by Author, Joe Ide
The following are suggestions. They are not based on medical science or science of any kind. They are just things I have tried.
First suggestion: Dip yourself in melted chocolate. I did it in the bathtub. I forgot to take my pants off but it was my first try. The chocolate was gooey and runny at first. It went places I wasn’t comfortable with. Eventually, it did encase my body in a protective, if somewhat brittle, coating. There are, however, several downsides to this method (#1) Your wife will suggest you see Dr. Lieberwitz fifty times. (#2) You will spend six hundred dollars on Hershey Bars. (#3) You will scare young children. When I first came out of the bathroom, my niece thought I was a giant turd.
Second suggestion: Social distancing isn’t about self-quarantine, it’s about keeping people the hell away from you. Try this: Don’t shower, shave, attend to your appearance or personal hygiene in any way. Do, however, wash your hands. Also, carry something noisy or threatening like a screeching parrot and a ball-peen hammer. I haven’t seen anybody since last Tuesday even in my house. There are a couple of minuses. (#1) You will attract small pests. Most of them crawl but some of them fly. (#2) Boils or horrifying rashes may appear on your face. If you feel you need a medication of some kind, take the parrot and the hammer along and you won’t have to stand in line at the pharmacy.
Third suggestion. Don’t do any food shopping. Be adventurous. Go out in the yard, gather some leaves or sticks or pebbles. If you’re feeling especially plucky, kill something, like a cat or a mole. In many countries, people eat insects. They’re easy to catch and you can easily find their carcasses on your window sills. They’re a little dried out but that’s what makes them crunchy.
Well, that’s all for now. Oh, wait, a couple of health advisories: (#1) If you eat a slug, cook it first. (#2) A parrot’s beak is indigestible.
Good luck,
Joe Ide
